difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. today I can say I have learned how to communincate with her and how to communicate with myself to not fall into feeling like nothing as you pointed out. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. I dont like to be around you. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). Not the past. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. I really like this guy. Have I forgiven them? In the end,although support of safe others can help, there is nothing for it but to go through your pain. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. You can control how much, you get to say when and how much. Sad but true. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Listen to it. Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. We met a few times. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. (I was afraid they would turn against me). From our hearts. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. *Get a journal. And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. I know you cant just switch off your memory and forget all the pain that was brought upon you, and as frustrating as that is, its a friendly reminder that I needed the pain in order to grow. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger. so sad. Wondering if I meant anything as he sent a few lame text messages and that was it. I did not respond. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. Thats what happened. Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you're holding a grudge, even if you don't think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. No theological debates on here, God forbid. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). Grace Thank you. Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. 185 0 obj <>stream But thats the way it is. Im the same. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. Theyre either in or theyre out! The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. (he said) In fact, he is already complaining about the amount of time he will have them (3 days a week) and says he doesnt want them so much. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? With all of my relationships Im the same way. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. Good for you Noquay. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Finally opening up about a topic that has hurt you on an ongoing basis can be emotionally draining. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. I promise you that woman holds grudges. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Being a work in progress. information submitted for this request. There have been many dramatic scenes during which I talked too much and he apologized, mostly sincerely. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. DGzCarbon I feel right about not replying to him. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). I said thats just what you say about me. Frustrating! We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. I hear you, and I know you are right. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. NC is your most powerful action. Its a set up! Flush this man from your life. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. I doubt hes a moron. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. Wonderful. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. Realize this. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. Vindication? I hadnt even realised it was there. Many people who grew up churched have no idea of whats out there. Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . Wanted to see whats going on. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). Its not a joke. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. Ergo, to forgive someone, you behave in the most loving way you can towards them, whether you feel like it or not. Thats how people meet. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. Good for you and your new found strength! Thank you. Why? Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. I did not acknowledge it. But he didnt make chumps. Dont They Care About Me? Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. Lol. I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) Wtf. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! Thank you. Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? I intend to have an amicable relationship with him, for their sake, but in my heart I do not forgive him for how he treated me. I thought I had had the complete menopause a year ago, but two days after he left, it seemed that my body went back to normal. dont care, dont care, dont care. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. Grudges aren't uncommon. exceedingly fortunate I do NOT suffer mental illness. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. At first, I tried to play it cool. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. I still think the work one is tricky but when I lived on a small island people met at work all the time, got married, had children and continued to work in the same office. . dcd568so sorry for your pain. She did not mention the message she had left me. What a bullet you dodged. Well. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. I learned to do without her when I was about 8. Thank you so much for putting it into words. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? This content does not have an Arabic version. Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. I needed it today. Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. I want to contact him less frequently. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. You begin to realize Although you think about it sometimes, you can live w/o it, and you feel better. Just clarifying my thoughts! Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. It simply means that youre choosing to move on. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. . Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? Same people. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. It's understandable. He must have said something to her because she is now very reserved with me. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? Seriously! Rakel D, ed. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. You lost your cool over something unrelated, "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off,", , a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. Irritability towards someone you're working to forgive is a barrier to overcoming a grudge.". Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. It is taking its toll, Im not looking after myself they way I should, etc., but I hope that with time and strength things will change for the better. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. Not at all. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. You can do so much better than a rebound that doesnt give you what you need, too. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. They run rampant on dating sites. I see like this Its as if two people (friends/lovers), have been heavily into drugs for years. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. If the later, though I completely understand how you would feel, hes free to do as he pleases. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. so I dropped him. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Beautiful, Sparkle! Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. If you find yourself stuck: If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation.

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