still sad 10 years after divorce

Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. I struggle through. Coparenting is difficult. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. But I wish we never got divorced. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. I went through the divorce process in a daze, devastated. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless theyve experienced it. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . You Will Grieve After Divorce, And It's Painful As Hell. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. God sees our pain, our tears. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. I dont believe staying together for child sake. We dont need another answer, do we? You really cant talk to anyone about it. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support "acceptedAnswer": { Ive heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. 25 years gone after her affair. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. The rise of 'gray divorce,' as couples over age 50 split. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. I am glad I read this. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. He took the get out of parenting free card. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. Your piece really spoke to me. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. God bless you! I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. Good article and I will add to it. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? I also have no contact. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Although it may be different than the one you imagined, after a divorce you do still have a future to look forward to. I do not want to feel this pain ever again. For me, the pain will never go away. I live in another state. people say you should be over and done by now . As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. I became a shell of a person. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. Oh, so difficult! I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. Below are some tips to help one know what to follow when divorce still hurts. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. My situation is without the financial issues now. And I have learned to respect the individual better and how to love not control, I have learned all that but one thing that I have learned looking back I can see how I got like that its tough being a man in this world women want both sides of it they wanna man that is strong and can take care of them but at theyre same time they want the freedom to be able to do whatever they want at any time and if you question it youre controlling I took it as that did not understand that I was being so controlling I believe I was I think although in my heart and mind I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my wife the things that I tried to get us to do Or the way I had As us live Truly in my heart I thought it was the best for us not just for myself but I can see now that I did not respect her individual feelings I shouldve let her have her space and Ive learned what it would take to be a good man so the what I hold onto is hopefully shell know and understand that I have learned all this and many other things and can love me again and come back. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. There is so much I can be happy about now. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her advice on feeling lonely after a divorce, and moving on after the death of a partner. Toughing it out. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. irritability. } Joanne, Thank you Joanne. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. We were married for 15 years. Dwelling on what you should have done. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. I am not a bitter woman. Some responsibilities need both parental support, and if you have kids, then this is a reason to stop the hurts, take up the responsibilities and support your kids as much as possible to avoid them to hurt from your struggles. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. I miss her greatly . When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. 1. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. Thank you for sharing. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? fatigue. If you were meant to be with him you would be. Its good to see Im not alone. Does it mock me? a loss of appetite. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. Divorce Hangover: Pain That Won't Stop I too get sad in these all too often moments Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Our youngest daughters future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, Im sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. 6-12 years. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. Three weeks later we moved in-that was 13 years ago. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful.

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